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Comments Off on 9 Wedding Favors That Are Never Acceptable To Give Your Guests

9 Wedding Favors That Are Never Acceptable To Give Your Guests

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

Being invited to a wedding is like, usually super fun. Theres free food, dancing, awkward family interactions, and a chance to dress up and try to steal attention from the bride celebrate the new couple. As a bride, wedding favorsif youre doing themare important. Its the last little bit of the wedding someone will see/hold/eat, and getting the formula right will totally make or break your wedding (probably but not really). Dont think that giving out just anything is going to be appreciated and super okay and your guests will love it. In reality, your guests will be receiving these gifts after several hours at an open bar (if you don’t have an open bar at your wedding, did you even get married?) and drunk people are the world’s harshest critics. They are known to yell “Fuck this!” at nothing in particular and start crying because someone in their vicinity is “too ugly.” Don’t skimp on trying to impress them. They are quick to anger and will tweet their feelings. In our extensive binge drinking research this wedding season, we’ve discovered there are some very bad, awful, and shitty excuses for gifts that many people still consider acceptable. Dont make the same mistakes.


1. Monogrammed Anything

Nobody wants anything with your name, the grooms name, and the day of your wedding on it. Sorry, but no one is going to display that shit proudly in their home for years to come except maybe your grandmother and slightly offbeat friend. Also like, your initials are not my initials. A napkin with someone else’s initials on it is quite literally useless to me. 

2. Coasters

Does anyone even use coasters anymore? Except for your mother, who practically faints anytime a glass even threatens to sweat on her recently treated mahogany antique farm table, theres really no point to these. Take off extra points if the coaster is monogrammed, or displays the bride and groom’s engagement photo. Do you really want me to put my can of ros on your face, Karen!?!? I appreciate you trying to drag me into adulthood with your party favors, but no. Just no. 

3. Paperweights

Well, if your guests work in wind tunnels, outdoors, and on top of mountains, I guess Im wrong in saying these are useless. As it stands though, most of us sit in small, airless, and less-than-5mph wind zones while we work, so the idea of a paperweight is pretty fucking dumb. Next.

4. Pens

Omg Ill always remember your wedding with this pen reminding me of the date of your unending love! Every time I fill out a check for a couple pledging their undying eternal commitment Ill remember how much FUN I had at your super awesome wedding! Seriously though, way to give the one gift people are literally guaranteed to lose in the next week. The only way you could have done worse was if you’d given out tiny Bic lighters. You have failed. 

5. Photos Of The Bride/Groom In Any Capacity

I love you. I love you so much I just spent a shitload of money on wedding attire and travel for your nuptials, but I dont love you enough to keep a small photo of you in my wallet, on my fridge, in my purse, on my keys, or on/near my person in any capacity ever. I have social media for when I miss your face, and I dont need a reminder that you took some engagement pics.

6. Wine Stoppers

Do you know how many open bottles of wine are in my home at any given time? Either six or zero (the limit does not exist) so giving me another wine stopper is really not necessary. I know you spent all of $0.30 and a tiny child in Vietnam crafted this heart-topped wine accessory with the utmost detail and love, but it really wasnt necessary. Ill use tin foil to cover my alcohol, which will be open and available for only 1-2 days before I drink it.

7. Keychains

Does anyone have keychains anymore? I saw an article on the dangers of heavy key chains on car keys and am now super fucking scared the weight of that last Paw Patrol accessory will be what it takes to rip off my key ring and leave me unable to stop my vehicle. Also, anyone can go to the dollar store and get a keychain. Dont offer these at your fucking wedding in any capacity.

8. Homemade CDs

I wouldnt have believed people did this if I didnt see it listed as a horrible favor on The Knot, Huffpost, and Reddit multiple times. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? Why would anyone want a CD of the songs you played at your wedding or, even better, a mix of songs celebrating your love? I literally don’t even have a CD player. You basically just handed me circular trash. Get this shit gone, immediately. 

9. Jordon Almonds

Jordon almonds were cool back in the 1960s. There are people who still like them, and those people are your mom and her friends. Thats fine, but please dont give these out as a favor. Sure, have a lil bowl full of them and some pouches for people to take. But if youre offering a real favor, this better not be it.


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Comments Off on Why Your Long Distance Relationship Probably Won’t Work Out

Why Your Long Distance Relationship Probably Won’t Work Out

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

The Betches discuss the Charlottesville rallies, the Taylor Swift sexual assault case, and Leonardo DiCaprios proclivity towards young models. They answer letters from listeners struggling with long distance relationships and a bride who wants to minimize drama at her wedding. They play Would You Rathers regarding adoption and Shoot Fuck Marry about the Kardashians and .



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Comments Off on 7 Reasons Nobody Wants To Go To Your Brunch Wedding

7 Reasons Nobody Wants To Go To Your Brunch Wedding

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

Since weddings are our new favorite thing to bitch talk about, we decided that it is finally time to follow up our roasts of wedding themes, favors, and dcor with some shade at the very time of day you choose to set the event. Weddings that go from 3pm till after it gets dark are the norm, but some people seem to think brunch weddings are cute and acceptable. And considering protest is the new brunch, we are officially protesting brunch weddings. Our country has truly never been more divided. So before you go flipping out, filling our inboxes with pics of cute, enjoyable brunch weddings you’ve been to, kindly take every seat. Heres the thingyes they can be totes cute, but they work better for certain demographics. Like, if you have a shit ton of older folks coming to your wedding, dont wanna pay a premium for Saturday night rentals and booking your venue, AND for some reason are having a bunch of children at your wedding, then yeahbook a brunch wedding. For the rest of us 20- and 30-somethings, though, the excuse to party and black outand therefore, attendstarts to fade once we see the words brunch reception on your invite


1.  It Isn’t “Socially Acceptable” To Black Out

Like I said, if Im going to a country club for your reception at fucking noon, I really dont think that, as a barely functioning responsible adult, I should get blackout. Like yeah, Ive downed my share of mimosa pitchers, but doing it in broad daylight in front of your mild-mannered brunchy family feels a little wrong. And with that, Im not going to want to drag everyone else out on the dance floor and be the life of the party causeee..

2. No One Wants To Dance In Broad Daylight

Its true. Having sunlight streaming into the Pisgah Dining Room with crystal settings is totally not the backdrop I want when Im fist pumping to Shots or grinding with strangers to Candy Shop. Like a scary vampire, the sunlight erases my desire for blood attention-whoring on the dance floor. So, the good news is you could get a smooth jazz band, save money, and it wouldnt make a difference. The bad news is nobody will get to see my dance moves. And yes, that is bad news.

3. Day Drinking Makes Us Tired

I can start drinking at 8 amId put that shit on my resume. However, riiiight around noon, I start to hit a wall. Day drinking makes everyone exhausted, and if you and your bridesmaids are getting ready at say, 5am for a 10am wedding and noon reception, youre going to start coming down HARD. Same with your guests, who I assume will be taking shots in the back of the church during the ceremony and will try to continue drinking through your brunch reception. Think of what youre doingthey wont even be able to go out after your reception theyll be so tuckered out!

4. You Can’t Hook Up As Easily

Most of us need cover of darkness to sketchily hook up with wedding guests well never see again. Adding in brunch and daylight makes the whole thing a lil too official and a lil too formal. Sorry, but I dont want to get coffee with you after the reception and talk about what a great quiche they had. Speaking of which

5. The Food Is Usually Meh

I love a good quiche, a nice muffin, a foamy lattebut trying to choke down breakfast carbs, sweets, and caffeine WITH all the alcohol Im trying to imbibe just doesnt work. Plus, from a service point of view, no one likes the look of room-temperature scrambled eggs sitting in a heating dish ready to be lumped out to your guests. Bacon is forever, but the rest of your food def isnt.

6. Do I Eat Dinner Or Not?

My days revolve around my love/hate relationship with food, and if I have a giant brunch at 11am and continue picking at shit until 2pm, it leaves me in a weird situation. Am I going to be hungry enough for dinner later? Do I have to push that shit to 9pm and act Spanish for the evening? Your wedding literally fucked my whole eating schedule.

7. Its Anticlimactic

With most basic bitch weddings these days (mine included), you have a sparkler sendoff to let everyone know that the official reception is over and the unofficial bar crawl where the brides dress becomes lovingly splattered with booze begins. Unfortunately for those having a brunch wedding, you kinda cant do the sparkler thing and you definitely wont be bar crawling. Like, what do I do now? Should I just go take a nap? Is it dinner time? No one really knows because your wedding was set for a weird time. Bitch.


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Comments Off on The Biggest Fuckboys On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ This Week

The Biggest Fuckboys On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ This Week

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

Welcome one, welcome all, to what may become a weekly segment, depending on if you guys give a shit. This week’s did not so much feel like paradise as it did the Land of the Fuckboys. But I guess Bachelor in The Land Of The Fuckboys doesn’t quite have the same commercial appeal, so Paradise it is. I’d like to take a look at the biggest fuckboys in Paradise this week. By the way, now that I’ve written that out I’m realizing that Fuckboys In Paradise is the perfect name for a reality TV dating show in which eligible singles cycle in and out like a game of musical genitals chairs. And now, without further ado, the public shading ranking.


4. Iggy

I’ll keep this short and sweet because I do not believe in giving irrelevant people my time and attention. Iggy talked a big game about how he was sad to see Lacey go when her grandfather died because he could “really see himself forming a connection” with her or some bullshit. Then Lacey comes back and Iggy acts as if she never existed. Like, we all knew she was just a meal rose ceremony ticket to you, but try to hide it a little better. Bye, Iggy.

3. Matt

I know, who? Literally everyone I’ve tried to have a discussion with about Matt acting like a fuckboy this episode has just said “Who??” and turned away. So now I turn to you, dear readers. Let’s talk about Penguin Boy. Mr. Happy Feet was all up in Jasmine’s business pre-shutdown, happy to make out with her and dress up as a woman because he presumed he’d be getting a rose. Cut to after the shutdown, when everything has changed no rose ceremony is imminent, and this dude’s all “I just think we should hang out with other people.” Come again? On the one hand, I can definitely understand not wanting to be exclusive with someone you’ve literally gone on one date with. I know, I’m such a Peter at heart. On the other hand, Matt is NOT cute enough to be acting like this! Fam. You rocked a cheesy mustache and a question mark-shaped hairline for all of Rachel’s season, and now you wanna explore your options? At the very least you could properly cut Jasmine loose, but no. You’re gonna give her the run-around with some “IDK I’m not sure” bullshit while she gets increasingly more upset. I’m sincerely hoping Jasmine’s “You want a good TV moment, ABC?” is just her tossing his penguin ass into the sea. And again I say, Matt, you are not NEARLY hot enough to be acting like this much of a fuckboy. That average white male entitlement sure is a hell of a drug, isn’t it? 

2. Alex

Alex is a special breed of fuckboy: the nice guy fuckboy. Watching Alex chase Amanda around and demand her attention under the guise of “niceness” was truly disturbing. You’ll see the nice guy fuckboy in the wild sporting a literal or metaphorical fedora, asking questions like “why won’t she go out with me, I gave her a ride to the grocery store and lent her a pen in the fourth grade?” and saying things like “women all say they want nice guys, but they really want assholes.” This is the guy who practically harasses you into letting him buy you a drink, then calls you a slut for not fucking him. He’ll tell you you’re “an ugly fat whore, I never liked you anyway” and meanwhile he’ll be liking all your Instagram photos and watching your Snapchat stories at 3am. Don’t let Alex’s diminutive stature scare youif we learned anything from last night it’s that he is just the right combo of clueless and persistent to keep chasing you around an island while still asking “have I done anything to creep you out?” This type of fuckboy is one rejection away from putting “Men’s Rights Activist” in his Twitter bio and keeping a running list of all the women who’ve “wronged” him in case he decides later on in life that he’s got nothing to lose.

1. Dean

While Alex has the potential to be a more sinister fuckboy, it is our blue-eyed dreamy Dean who tops this week’s list. That’s because Dean is every fuckboy you’ve ever fallen for. He’s gorgeous. He seems nice because he sort of called Lee out for being racist that one time. He seems into you and sparks fly immediately. Just when you think things are going well and you start telling your friends about him, he gets reallll shifty. Like, shifty in a non-concrete way that you can’t even call him out on because then he’ll just call you crazy. He’ll say shit like “I’m not looking to get married right now” when you just asked where things are going, and “I could see myself in a relationship with you, just not right now” even though he already took you to his cousin’s wedding. I mean, “You never talk to me” “What do you mean, I’m talking to you right now”? What kind of third grade bullshit evasion tactic is that? We are about to witness Dean pull a fast one on Kristina and it’s not going to be pretty. Homegirl grew up in a Russian orphanage. I would not play with her. Evan was right; Dean is a walking fuckboy red flag, which is probably why we’re all still so attracted to him *books another appointment with my therapist*. 

Honorary Mention: Chris Harrison

Gasp! The blasphemy! Look, I’ll get to the point. Chris Harrison teased us with details of this shutdown for an entire TWO FUCKING HOURS on Monday, and then what did they show? Nothing. Not a single thing. Just two producers being like “Hey Corinne, DeMario, could I steal you for a sec? Okay, shut it down.” No questions were answered. No details were given. And that consent talk? Give me a break. I was going to write an article about it, but here I am instead. I almost lost my shit when Taylor started emphasizing “non-verbal consent”. I’m sorry, what? Do we really need more Donald Trumps frat guys being like “she flirted with me non-verbally so she was asking for it?” You are a mental health counselor. A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR. And then Diggy had to go and say that when you’re drunk you can give consent! Homie, that is the entire reason you all got sent home in the first place! Did you learn nothing from the past week?? Your comment gave me an aneurysm. So yeah, thanks Chris for being a huge tease and then giving me the biggest letdown of all time.

Stay tuned for next week, when there will be more men, and by definition, more fuckboys to roast.


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Comments Off on 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing In Your Engagement Photos

6 Things You Need To Stop Doing In Your Engagement Photos

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

Theres nothing I love more than when my friends tell me theyre getting married. I so look forward to spending money on an outfit, hotel, travel, and giftsthe thought of spending a cool two grand on the wedding weekend alone just delights me. Being hit by such crippling loneliness that I’m left crying into my wine at the end of the night, only to be consoled by the bartender (until his shift ends) gives me life. And the real high point of my life is the day after wedding hangover buffet where I can decide between gorging myself to death on bacon or inhaling the not-so-short stack of pancakes (spoiler alert: I choose them both). And what brings about this beautiful chain of events? THE ENGAGEMENT SHOOT. Engagement photos are the newest way to showcase your love and devotion for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and are also the reason why I drink. Its not enough that I have to watch you gush over your #mcm on Instagram every goddamn day, but now you want me to have a permanent memento of your love and, like, what? Hang it on my fridge? The most sacred spot in my home aside from my bed and the couch? You monster. I have enough engagement photos hanging on my fridge rn, judging me with their happiness every time I contemplate eating a jar of icing and drinking a bottle of wine for dinner. I dont need that kind of negativity in my life. So if you want me, the person who will be permanently stationed at the open bar and will probably drunkenly make out with your fiancs much younger brother, to come to your wedding then heres the six things you need to stop doing ASAP.


1. Wearing Matching Outfits

Honestly, I understand the thought process behind matching outfits for the engagement photos. Youre trying to send a message like, were a unit now and, I have forfeited all of my individual thoughts and opinions to be with this person. Its v romantic. But when I see two adults in cream colored ensembles posing on a beach all I can think is “siblings posing for the family Christmas card.” It looks less romantic and more as if behind the scenes, their mother is threatening to take away their data plans if they dont SMILE AND LOOK LIKE THEYRE HAVING A GOOD TIME. This isnt , incest vibes dont hold up here. They are neither appreciated nor accepted on my fridge, so cut that shit out. 

2. Costume Themes

I will never understand why two grown adults think its a good idea to dress up in cosplay to show the world theyre mature enough to get married for their engagement photos. It ranks right up there with the matching outfits thing. Do you think youre unique because you have a wand in your photo and always is part of your wedding hashtag? Do you know who else owns a wand and is incorporating lines from a childrens book into their wedding vows? Anyone who was born between the years 1985-2000 and had working eyes and ears, that’s who. Newsflash: broadcasting how much of a Potterhead you are in your engagement photos does not make you unique or quirky, it just makes me want to take shots. 

3. Intimate Poses

People who treat their engagement photo like a personal ad for Playboy are the fucking worst. First of all, if your favorite book is , that’s embarrassing enough. Why must you now recreate it for your closest friends and family? It’s like you WANT me to claw my eyes out or something.The last thing I want to see when Im deciding between pints of ice cream is you and your fianc engaging in foreplay in with the words save the date below your groping hands. If I wanted to see alarming levels of PDA Id replay the finale of . NOPE. Im not here for it.

4. Anything With Camo

I cant with a couple who wears camo. When I see camo all I can think is budget wedding and there will be a beer run halfway through the ceremony. Srsly cant wait. They usually caption their engagement photo with something like the hunt is over which leads me to believe that their engagement came about after they ran out of matches on Tinder and reconnected with each other through a 2am Facebook DM. I, mean, the hunt is over? This isnt The Hunger Games, its your love story, for Gods sake. Quit being so fucking dramatic. I already know that if I attend this wedding I can expect the venue to be exploding with mason jars and people who hate Obamacare but love the ACA. Sounds lit, will 100 percent be there.

5. The Psycho Stare

You know the one Im talking about. The close-up shot where hes either looking at her or off into the distance and shes staring straight at the camera with her ring pointed like a deadly weapon. Shes got that look in her eyes that says she may or may not have killed for this ring and if you dont show up to her wedding with a mid- to high-priced item from her registry youll be next. Its fucking frightening. Also, when the bride-to-be inevitably makes every single one of her Facebook friends want to unfriend her puts up all 250 photos from the engagement shoot, the guy always looks like a prisoner of war. Always. It makes me want to be like, dude, blink once if you want to be here, twice if youre being held against your will. 

6. Animal Props

We get it, you have a fianc AND a dog and Im still buying crop tops at Forever21. Congratu-fucking-lations. You win at life. If you have a dog, FINE, I guess you can put him in your engagement photos. I can pick my battles here. My real issue is with the people who get fucking elaborate with their photos and add, like, a horse into the mix. The whole setup is extremely awkward. Theyre always leaning on the animal or feeding it a snack while looking at each other and laughing like they have a fucking secret. Its v unsettling. And the girl who would use an animal as a proplets call her Jenniferis usually the same girl who held a special meeting during sorority recruitment to blackball the horse freak from making it to the next round because Jennifer had a feeling that she wouldnt fit in. Oh, how the tides have turned, Jennifer. HOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED.


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Comments Off on 7 Wedding Dcor Ideas Nobody Wants To See Again, So Don’t Even Try It

7 Wedding Dcor Ideas Nobody Wants To See Again, So Don’t Even Try It

Author firstcommunioninvitations    Category first communion invitations     Tags

It’s wedding season, and we here at Betches have expresse several strong opinions regarding trends in wedding themes, favors, and engagement photos that we believe should, for lack of a better word, die. Basically, we’re running an internal competition to see how many comments we can get about how we’re “ungrateful” for being invited to weddings and that “we shouldnt judge people” etc… from people who are clearly confused about the point of this site (being ungrateful and judging people). First of all, if youre having a giant wedding, youre BEGGING to be judged. Youre literally putting your life and love on display for 300+ people, and youre damn right Im going to judge it. Yah, I appreciate being invited but only if the food and music are good if theyre not, god help you. 


Next on our list of unsolicited very good wedding advice is the dcor, aka, “the reason Pinterest exists.” Heres a listnot comprehensive because we could be here for daysof wedding dcor I better never, ever see again. Some of it was cute and perfect five years ago, but its time has passed and we all need to move on for the good of the species.

1. Burlap

Weve said it before, and well say it again. Burlap had its time in the wedding worldnamely, right around when Pinterest started distracting us. But that time has passed. Come on, anything that can double (and was intended) for legitimate farm usage doesnt belong at your wedding. Not on your tables, not as a runner, not as a bow, and for fucks sake, not on any person in the wedding party.

2. Mason Jars

Stop. Enough. Mason jars are used for canning and stacking cute desserts in, not to hold flowers/candles/sparklers/water lilies/pictures what the fuck ever. Again, these had their time thanks to Pinterest, but they need to go the way of burlap and other rustic wedding shit and die.

3. Disco Balls

Sorry I even needed to type this one. Unfortunately, some DJs and bands bring dcor, and if they bring a disco ball, hang on to your butts, cause this wedding is about to get real trashy real fast. Anything that came into existence in an era of ALL the cocaine, white tuxes, and enough hairspray to kill a puppy doesnt belong at your wedding.

4. Large Framed Portraits Of Yourself

Stop it. This isnt your version of ; this is your wedding day. Have a little class. I understand that you spent top dollar on your engagement photos and want to show everyone that you def have a future in modeling if you dont get fat in the next month, but, honestly, relax. This isnt an exhibition.

5. Camo Anything

Im upset that I even need to list this shit, but here we go. Once you go below the Mason-Dixon line or into the far realms of Pennsy-tucky, be prepared to see camo worked into weddings. Ive seen it (via Pinterest I wouldnt be caught dead at any wedding for human beings who believe integrating hunting attire into a celebration of love is okay) on cakes, on dresses, entwined on Mason jars, on hats resting upon groomsmenthe list goes on. Please, keep camo where it belongs: in the dark recesses of America where cable probs doesnt reach and on the backs of soldiers.

6. Fish

Yes. People use fish in fish bowls as fucking centerpieces. First of all, where did you get all the fish? Who set them up? And what happens when cousin Will gets drunk again and tries to get the fish drunk? Rude. Who takes the fish home? So, you see where Im going with this. Please dont integrate living creatures into a celebration where 99% of people will be too drunk to care for even themselves.

7. Fake Flowers

Yikes. I understand that the real thing can be expensive, but if you have any money for dcor, dont waste it on silk flowers. Its super rare that they can look realistic, let alone decent. Get creative with other shit like dried flowers, eucalyptus, etc. before you go trudging through Michaels aisles and aisles of silk nightmares.

Dont make these mistakes. Or do. I guess it’s your wedding. Just know I will subtweet the shit out of you if you do. 


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